just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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