Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
