just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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