I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
