just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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