Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
