god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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