dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
