Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
