I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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