I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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