are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It was a blind-side dick pic.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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