No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
