I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
