so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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