so explain again why im purple
no
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
