No stitches, just platelets and will power
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
