she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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