Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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