I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i came on her dog
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
