I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
