when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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