great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
