um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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