foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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