You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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