hotel room ftw
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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