i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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