If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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