i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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