is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
