I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
