Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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