i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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