I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
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She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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