your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
