please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
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look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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