My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
