I'm drive I can fine osifer
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
