Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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