if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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