i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
