Your dad touched me again.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
