You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
