i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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