Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
