I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
