Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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