So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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