tonight lets celebrate not being married
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
