I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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