I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
