The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
