I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
