Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
