mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
