all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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